I was a serial dater.
Looking back at my hideous past, I probably had the words ‘dog’ written all over my forehead. I have an extensive dating background. I’ve never had any long-term relationships. My pattern has always been asking out a woman I find physically attractive, going out a few times, and then somehow finding something wrong with her afterward. A few weeks or maybe a few months later I then make myself unavailable whenever she tries to contact me. I was horribly creative in avoiding any love entanglements. Disgraceful, I know.
And then I fell in love with my best friend.
Sadly, our love story wasn’t meant to be. My heart was utterly crushed at the time. I was devastated. The pain was mind-numbing, to say the least. Gone were the hopes and dreams that I had planned when I was with her. Gone was the only person who I believed really understood me. Gone was the only woman I’ve ever loved.
Fortunately for me, time heals all wounds. Several months and hundreds of tissue boxes later, I was once again willing to open up my heart to the possibility of finding true love. Funnily enough, my extremely painful experience actually brought about a positive turning point in my life.
I proceeded to date, other women. In the back of my mind, I was still secretly hoping and wishing to regain that intense passion I once shared with my best friend, the stuff that sappy Danielle Steel romance novels are made of. I had this ridiculous notion that if I ended up with a breathtakingly gorgeous woman, then that would be the ‘be-all and end-all of things because I won’t ever be tempted to look at another woman ever again. Sadly, the reality is: ‘the grass will always seem greener on the other side of the fence’. Let’s be honest, there will always be someone younger and hotter out there. That said, here’s how I see it. The woman of your dreams might initially be the most beautiful creature to ever grace God’s green earth, but then fast forward to ten years later when all her beauty has faded – what happens then? I fervently believe that there is no future for any relationship that is based purely on just superficial reasons from the get-go.
At present, sad to say that I just got out of another relationship. The woman I was dating was beautiful, caring, sweet, and entirely committed to me. What more could I have asked for right? So what went wrong? After much soul searching I finally realised that the connection was never actually there between us, to begin with. All this time I forced myself into believing that this woman was perfect for me. Physically and characteristically she was the perfect case study of my ideal woman. Ultimately, although it was extremely difficult, I had to admit to myself that just because she was ‘Miss Perfect’ it didn’t necessarily mean that she was also ‘Miss Right’. I realise now that I had only stayed in our relationship because it was ‘comfortable’. Frankly, I was scared to step out of my comfort zone. I had no complaints about the relationship. It was good, but I want better than good. I want ‘great’. If there’s one thing I learned from my fateful experience with my best friend, it’s that true love does exist out there. Never settle for second best. If you do settle then you will inevitably spend the rest of your life wondering what might have been.
So what am I looking for in a potential partner?
I want someone whom I can grow old with. I want to be with someone who can make me smile at my bleakest hour, someone who can hold me and tell me that everything is going to be all right. I want someone who can appreciate the simple things in life with me. Romance for me doesn’t necessarily have to be candlelight dinners at posh restaurants or extravagant holidays. Romance can be as simple as walking down the beach and holding hands during sunsets or eating green mangoes together under an umbrella on a rainy day or it can even be as simple as snuggling on a couch at home, watching a DVD with my loved one whilst stuffing our faces full of homemade noodles.
I do have my non-negotiables though. For me, it’s imperative that we at least have basic religious similarities, chemistry, a similar sense of humour, and then the rest – who cares! I think settling with someone just because you are ‘comfortable’ with them or just because you are scared of change is setting yourself up for a life of frustration and inevitable withdrawal from the relationship. Honestly speaking, I would prefer to be single for the rest of my life than be with someone whom I don’t love with all my heart. I might be lonely and loveless, but then at least I wouldn’t be lonely and making someone else miserable too.
Of course, you also have to realise that a relationship requires a lot of effort and hard work. There will be ups and downs guaranteed, even if you do end up finding the right one. You will never meet a perfect woman, for no such person exists. When you eventually stumble upon your one true love, you will also inevitably find several flaws with ‘Miss Right’. But then because you love her, you will also learn to love all of her flaws because you will grow to love everything about her. You can’t set your expectations too high on another person, you’ll just end up disappointed when those expectations are predictably unmet.
Love doesn’t happen overnight, it needs to be nurtured through the years. Consider this: you shouldn’t be with someone you feel you can live with, rather you should be with someone you feel you can’t live without.
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